What does success mean to you? What's the criteria and who would you place in your top 10 list of examples? What beliefs do you hold around success? Who modeled the behaviors when you were a child? What foundation is success built on?
I love unpacking these questions for myself and with others! Take a moment to dig deep into your psyche and discover the stories and programs shaping your 'image of success'. As a society, we idolize celebrities, elite athletes, politicians, and people in powerful places. We see the filtered versions of these individuals - their wealth, social circles, ability to command a room, personality, etc. - and we often desire what they have. There's nothing wrong with that, but are you looking at their whole story or merely the parts that reinforce your beliefs about success?
Personal Story
It took me 10 years to complete my undergraduate degree. I worked full time, had 2 kids and went to night school. There were loads of times when quitting would've been easier. I could have been more available to my kids, my ex-husband, and myself. But the programming I received as a child was that I would amount to nothing without an education. This philosophy was reinforced by my grandmother when she said, "You'll end up in poverty if you have this baby." I was 19 when I had the first of my three kiddos.
Mimi wasn't being heartless; she was stating her fears. Her declaration stuck with me, and replayed year after year as I inched closer to my degree. I trudged along and remember thinking about her on the day I finished my last class with a sense of pride and defiance.
Here's what's interesting. I didn't actually walk the stage for graduation. I quietly got my degree in the mail and that was that. You would've thought that something I worked so hard to obtain would've been a celebrated occasion, but by the time I finished my undergrad both my dad and grandparents had passed away. The very people who instilled the programming were no longer alive. Yes... it opened doors and I don't regret the journey to achieving this goal, but as I was pursuing it, I wasn't acting from a place of agency.
I was acting out of fear. My grades weren't stellar, my mindset was negative so my mantra was, "just get through it," and I placed emphasis solely on the outcome. I lacked curiosity, a belief in myself, a vision of what I wanted, a role model and a view beyond the immediate difficulties obtaining a degree posed. I felt conflicted about the whole affair.
My dad was a lawyer and my step-mother a top executive in the tech world - AND they were miserable. They had wealth, multiple degrees, and all the material stuff that signals success, but I've never seen two more unhappy people in my life. My dad eventually died of a heart attack in his mid-50s while going through a bitter divorce with my stepmom. It was deeply disturbing to grow up seeing how accomplished these two influential affluent people were, and yet how profoundly unsatisfied. I learned that life was difficult, love was earned not given and success doesn't guarantee happiness or health.
Mindset
One of the hacks I discuss in my workshops on Habitual Success is the role of mindset. I can tell within the first hour of working with someone if they will make great strides or if it will be a challenging ordeal to incorporate the lifestyle changes we discuss. Undeniably, the folks willing to question the origin of their beliefs and consider uncomfortable alternatives in the spirit of growth are the ones who make tremendous progress toward a fulfilling life of contentment.
I use the word contentment here because happiness is too fleeting, and often associated with singular moments or dependent upon specific results. Contentment, on the other hand, is the cumulative effect of a lifetime of experiences, relationships and decisions that lead to a generally positive outlook and disposition. Having a 'transcendent mindset' is a critical component of success because it frames the individual experiences into a bigger picture - the delicious gourmet meal as opposed to the ingredients .
Life delivers what we need and not always what we want.
Most people get hung up on the end result or the fulfillment of their expectations. They become too attached to an imagined outcome instead of accepting with gratitude the reality of what is. This is why manifestation gets a bad wrap. People can't let go of their ideals and therefore leave little room for the creativity of universal consciousness to deliver what's needed vs. what's wanted.
Content people are masters at 'rising above' and getting out of their own way. They find the signal (their heart) despite the noise (their ego), and view life from a 50,000-foot vantage point. They make space for the emotions, failures, successes, experiences, losses, relationships, wins, etc. and recognize them as fleeting. They acknowledge the impermanence of these states, and don't put them on a pedestal.
So, how do they do this?
Every single person I've worked with that has all three legs of the stool - success, joy and health - has experienced trauma, stress and life-changing circumstances. However, they won't be judged or defined by them. They aren't victims of their past, or prisoners of their mistakes, failed attempts, diseases or traumas. They see these things as valuable pieces of the equation, but not the entire story.
In other words, they are shaped by these events, but it isn't their identity. It's not who they are.
They believe these hardships are an essential part of their life's lesson and critical for growth. The trauma was integral to their success, and they are grateful for it - recognizing the value of its existence and learning to love it. They don't cling to the stories they've conjured to make sense of them, and choose not to place a ceiling on their abilities on account of the events.
Coming Full Circle
I told you the above story about my degree because it took me years to unravel my beliefs about success. I had unresolved issues creating a negative mindset around the whole experience. Instead of celebrating, I saw the accomplishment as a failure because it didn't fit my expectations. I was disappointed I didn't travel the 'normal path', and felt the 10 year slog defined me while also placing a ceiling on my capabilities. Boy was I wrong!
When we carry unprocessed experiences, emotions and traumas we engage with life from a place of reactivity and half-truths. We lack agency and decisiveness which means our thoughts, stories and emotions are in control. Life happening to us instead of for us. I got my degree because it was expected, I didn't want to disappoint anyone and I wanted to set a good example for my kids. In my head, I would be a failure without a degree. This point of view is the ego playing mind games and suggesting there's only one path leading to success. The reality is there are an infinite number of routes, and had I been able to recognize this, perhaps I could have enjoyed the progress.
In looking at the leaders who embody success and contentment, they evaluate their beliefs regularly and keep an open mind, creating space for an alternative explanation - a detour. To achieve contentment, we must be willing to compassionately examine our constructs and how we came to our convictions. Are they rational? Could there be other opportunities? What if we're wrong? This takes courage and the ability to thoughtfully review our story from a new angle. Byron Katie reminds us that we often create our own unhappiness due to interpretation - something very much in our control. If you aren't happy, let go of the mental barriers, stories and thoughts contributing to the unhappiness. Reframe, reconstruct and redirect your energy.
Rarely is the outward image the full story. Be prepared to scrutinize your role models and look at the full picture. If they aren't happy & healthy, are they truly successful? If you want the trifecta, mindset is one of the hacks, and mastery of four primary habits will help you achieve the optimal attitude.
Habit 1 is to Frame Your Life Experiences and learn to love the good & the bad as part of your growth.
Habit 2 is to Evaluate Your Beliefs and stay curious about how you came to these convictions.
Habit 3 is to feel and experience the emotions as they occur.
Habit 4 is to move away from a victim mindset.
If you'd like to learn more, join me for coffee & a webinar. I teach these principles and more at 9:00 a.m. on the 4th Tuesday of every month. https://www.ascendingspiritwp.com/service-page/free-webinar-habitual-success?category=ccac0bb4-7f14-45a4-84a4-f3a70b13b92d&referral=service_list_widget
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